Avoiding Mr. Wrong

By Jacob Rodriguez

Aside from your relationship with God, your next most important relationship is with your spouse. If you’re single and ever plan on getting married, the biblical character Rebekah can teach you some things about avoiding “Mr. Wrong”. 

You know better than anyone that emotions can sometimes become blindfolds. In your quest to live your dream you may end up ignoring some glaring red flags. In a culture that tends to put more focus on the wedding day then the marriage, it’s easy to lose sight of what really matters in life. 

Magazines pile up every spring telling you how to become a bride. But few ever tell you how to become a wife. After the cake is cut and the bouquet is tossed, how do you really know that you picked the right man for your life? What will keep your marriage glued together during the tough times? What small quirks will become big issues in two years? Selecting the right mate is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. 

Isaac was, by all accounts, “Mr. Right”. Notice I didn’t say “Mr. Perfect”. There’s no such thing as “Mr. Perfect”, so no point in trying to find him. The right man, based on your values and goals, is out there. But in order to know the right type, you have to know the wrong types. Too many single women waste time and energy (sometimes money) on a relationship that was vague from the get-go. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard phrases like, “I thought he was the one”, or “Everything was good until he changed.” 

Let me save you some heartache by introducing three “Mr. Wrongs” you should avoid:

1. The Mannequin

With the mannequin, perception is everything. He looks the part, talks the part, wishes the part, acts the part, but sadly doesn’t live the part. His crowning attributes are usually his appearance and charm. He’s usually a handsome fellow and pays a lot of attention to how he’s perceived by others. For him, image is an asset, not a liability. This attitude also fuels jealousy and male bravado. In other words, he’s somewhat narcissistic. In the beginning of your relationship with the mannequin, these traits and behaviors seem harmless and kind of cute. 

It seems as though he’s independent and driven. In fact, he’s probably successful in his career and is quickly climbing the corporate ladder. Although he’s dated a lot in the past, nothing too serious, he really wants to settle down. But keep in mind; he’s mainly after an “ideal”. So he’s not as interested in how you think, your values, your needs, your goals, but your appearance—how you will look standing next to him at the company banquet or even a church event. All this adds up to the fact that he sees you more as a possession, a prize, and a fixture. 

Women who marry mannequins find that the same suave personality that wooed her in the beginning is a bit controlling. Not all charming men are mannequins. I don’t want to scare you. But oftentimes the too-good-to-be-true guys usually are. Here are questions you need to ask:

1. What’s underneath his looks and charm? Consider for a moment that Isaac’s physical appearance or charisma played no role in Rebekah’s decision to marry him. Maybe you’re thinking, “Physical attraction is important”. However, in today’s culture, it’s way overrated and puffed up. People today are appearance-driven. Nowadays, it’s all about how you look on the outside. From cosmetic surgery to Botox, people are becoming more and more obsessed with the superficial. You want a husband with depth, someone who can talk about things other then himself. A certain amount of intensity is healthy because it keeps things interesting.  
2. Besides making money, what drives him? Things, not people or purpose usually drives mannequins. He wants to make more, so he can get more. This is where he places the most value. And consequently he will attempt to use this method to buy your affection, and your children’s love. He’ll think that working long hours to give your children “the best” is better than spending quality time with them. When he is compassionate, it’s usually motivated by guilt. You want a husband who is driven with purpose, a man who places more value on people rather then things.  
3. How is his relationship with God? When Rebekah arrived with Eliezer’s group, Isaac was meditating in the fields. Her first impression of him was that he was a man of faith, a man who knew God. His allegiance to God was out in the open. Mannequin men have a reputation of being spiritually shallow or stagnant. There’s nothing too deep about their relationship with God, because again, it’s about perception. 

The fact that he’s a church-goer doesn’t mean he’s interested in growing his relationship with God, or that God’s kingdom is a priority in his life. His roots are basically surface-level and he sees church as more of an obligation or routine. How do you know? Because he doesn’t have much conviction about the principles of the Bible, apostolic truth, or much respect for spiritual authority. His liberal mind about faith and religion may seen appealing at first, but into the marriage you’ll need someone with strong convictions, someone who will keep your family grounded.

Don’t let a mannequin sweet-talk you. Get to the bottom of who he is and really decide what kind of husband you want. Why didn’t his last relationship work? It’s easy to get overwhelmed by his charm and lose sight of the things that really matter. If he’s going to be the leader in your home, make sure he’s got some substance to him. 

Now let’s move on to bachelor number two.

2. The Mama’s Boy 

Be prepared, because mama will always come first. For some reason, he was never able to cut the cord, and whether openly or privately, his mom takes priority. He’s usually quite nice, polite and particular. His greatest quality is that he treats his mom well (although some mama’s boys can take advantage of their mothers). And what attracts you to him is that you figure, “If he treats his mom well, he’ll treat me well”. This statement is both true and false: true, because how he treats her is important, and yet false, because it can also come between you. But beware; the latter tends to be more common. 

A true mama’s boy will never admit it, but he’s actually afraid to disappoint her. That’s why he excuses her behavior and comments, even when they directly or indirectly offend you. Instead of confronting her about her sarcastic comment, he not only pardons her, but he defends her. While she may know her influence, the root issue is not his mother. She only does what he lets her do. She only says what he lets her say. The root issue is that he hasn’t grown up. 

He’s a boy, not a man. And boys need mothers to tell them what to do, to baby them and do everything for them. If you marry him, guess what he’s going to expect from you? A man who is a boy inside tends to be needy, angry and confused. He also tends to cling and shy away from conflict. His masculinity is fragile and easily threatened, either because he didn’t have a strong male role model, or because his mother constantly sheltered him. 

When Rebekah married Isaac, his mother Sarah had already passed away. As special as Sarah was, she wasn’t around to dictate Isaac’s life or interfere in their marriage. Assuming your future mother-in-law is alive, your husband must distance himself (emotionally, and sometimes geographically) from her in order to fully embrace you. This is what the bible refers to as “leave and cleave”. Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Isaac was ready for Rebekah because he was free from mama’s control. The man you consider to marry must be free from his mother’s daily control. If he’s over 30 years old, and still living with his mom, proceed with caution. Just make sure he’s balanced. Watch how he handles situations regarding his mom. Does he tell her too much about his personal life? 

If he’s over 40 years old, and still living with his mom, make a u-turn!

If this bachelor is not willing to leave his mother’s nest and cleave to you, re-evaluate before you say, “I do”. It may not seem like a big deal now. But down the road you will struggle and compete for priority. The fact that mama always calls during dinner or needs something small at the same time you do, won’t be your biggest problem. It’s that he’ll immediately respond. 

Let’s look at one more Mr. Wrong. 

3. The Mess-Up (a.k.a. Loser) 

I know the title for this one sounds harsh, but allow me to explain. He doesn’t know what he’ll do without you. Sounds romantic, right? Problem is, you hardly know him. You are his ticket, his reason for “wanting to get better or get spiritual”. Again, sounds nice, right? Problem is, he isn’t motivated to get better without you. It would appear that he’s been down on his luck lately. The Internet-based business that he and his buddy started six months ago went belly up. Now he’s in the hole ten thousand dollars and the creditors are calling. This venture came after a bad investment in a multi-level marketing business that ended up being a scam. 

His desk is stacked with yellow notepads and stickies with plans, ideas, and contacts. He’s probably a clever salesman, which is part of the reason you’re still talking to him. This guy can sell ice to Eskimos, beachfront property in Arizona—you get the point. Yet with all his wit and impressive goals, he can’t seem to nail down one stable job. He struggles with authority figures and can never get along with his bosses. According to him, the company didn’t know what they were doing, didn’t see his potential, or blacklisted him from day one. 

The mess-up has a story to tell about every job he lost. In fact, everyone else is to blame for his situation, but him. If only the right person would believe in him, he would accomplish so much. However, he tends to be a little flakey—always a little late, but with good reason, always a little short on cash, but will pay you back. 

He would be an easy guy to ditch if his heart wasn’t so big, if he didn’t love kids and he wasn’t such a good listener. However, he has a lot of suspicious areas to him, and he tends to stretch the truth. Okay, he lies. You’ve caught him in several lies, but never challenged him because you pity him. 

That’s where he gets you. 

Getting into a relationship with the mess-up is like playing Russian roulette with your emotions. Everything can explode in your face at any moment. Not only will he end up breaking your heart, but he’ll break your checkbook. The mess-up typically doesn’t have his finances in order, and is usually in serious debt. Besides his charm, he doesn’t have much to offer. If you marry him, you will inherit his debt, poor investments and hazy ambitions. His burned bridges will become yours. His reputation will be linked to yours. 

Is this what you want?

Isaac didn’t need Rebekah to make it. He had something to offer, something to give. He was balanced and reliable. When Rebekah came to him, Isaac had a stable and secure home. He was also a gentleman, and treated Rebekah with respect, honor and dignity. 

Maybe you’re thinking, “Well, neither of these three men reflect the man I’m interested in.” If that’s the case, you still need to read the next segment. Now the focus is on you.