Real Online Questions Submitted by young single women

I currently have a boyfriend. We've been together for six months but have known each other for almost our whole lives. Before this weekend, things had been pretty bad and we almost broke up. In many areas of our lives we don’t match, yet I've been holding on because I believed in change and thought that I could be that one person that could help him become a better version of himself. As sad as it sounds when I read the descriptions that you wrote of Mr.Wrong, I felt like he was one of them. The reason why I said he was is because when we came back from this weekend he came back with a different mindset. He told me he wants to change and that he believes we can do great things for the Lord together. He wants to pray more together and is more accepting of my busy life. He also told me that he needs me in order to be able to change, that he doesn’t have a male role model and that therefore it’s a lot harder for him to change alone. These are things that for a long time I prayed for and longed to hear him say but now I can’t help to feel like it's too late. I can’t help to feel like why should I put up with the "under construction" process and at the same time I feel like I should give him a chance to change, like I cant just judge him and think he won’t change.

I am really confused as to what should I do. Should I stay and wait for results or just break up and move on. I don’t want to feel like I’m doing things just because I feel like the grass is greener on the other side but I am also scared of ending up with someone that will hurt my ministry.

Do you have any words of advice?

Your question is a good one. A couple of things come to mind. First, your relationship with this young man seems unhealthy, especially since it's only been six months. Honestly, it sounds like he needs some growing up to do. Not to say he's not a nice guy or won't make a good husband one day. But he doesn't seem emotionally stable. He may need to resolve some of these personal issues before entering a serious relationship.

My opinion is (based on what you said), you need to give him and yourself some space. If it's truly meant to be, it will work out later. I really believe that "the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing". That's some of the best advice I've given.

You also need to be realistic, not just idealistic. Thinking that you could change him or that you could motivate him to change is not fair. Until he's motivated himself, only then will he change. Having said that, you should give him space/time to see if he'll change on his own, or without being your boyfriend. His motivation needs to be rooted in God.

Lastly, what does this say about his state of mind, or how he handles pressure? If he's relying on you, that's not a good sign. Cause in a marriage, the man is supposed to be the strong one, the support for the family and wife. While I do empathize with his misfortunes in life, you should avoid being his therapist because that will create a pattern for future problems.

I hope this helps you make your decision. You must decide for yourself and use common sense. I know the Lord will guide you and speak to your heart. Just listen close.

Take and God bless!

Jacob R.

I’ve recently heard a conference you gave, I believed it’s called "When God Writes your Love Story". I had a question about something you said. "If it’s the right thing at the wrong time, it’s the wrong thing". Can u go into further detail with that, I didn’t quiet understand that. I ended a relationship like 3 or 4 months ago. It’s been hard; actually that whole relationship was chaos. I was definitely hurt a lot by this young man. I’m just a little confused as why I went through all of this. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve always prayed to God to send me the right guy, cause I didn’t want to date a lot of guys. It’s just something I’ve always asked for…and now that all this happened to me. Did God not answer my prayer? Idk, just something I wanted to share with you. This guy hurt me a lot and I don’t know why I can’t seem to let it go. I’ve read your note about burning something’s down. Is this something I need to do?

Thank you for contacting me. Well, your question is a loaded one. But a very good one. I'm sorry that you were hurt so badly by this relationship. Breakups are never easy. "The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing" is basically saying that if the right type of person comes at the wrong time in your life, it's not going to work. People have to be ready (i.e. mature, available, spiritual, etc.) for relationships. Timing plays a vital role in relationships. Two types of love should be avoided. 1) Premature love ... by this I mean love that rushes past friendship and into romance. 2) Immature love ... by this I mean when two individuals simply haven't grown enough personally, to be able to love someone and commit. It could be that your relationship with this young man suffered from both negative types (premature and immature). The solution is “time” and a lot of it. It sounds like you need to give yourself time to grow some more, spiritually and emotionally.

For your second question, "did God not answer my prayer?" This is not a question I think I can answer. I think you know the answer deep within. But consider this, why would God send you someone to purposefully hurt you? God isn't like that. Also, God will not impose his will on us, nor will he stand in our way from doing what we want. In other words, we all have our choice, our free will. Maybe this guy was more about what you wanted, then what God wanted.

I'll finish with this advice. Don't worry or stress yourself by "praying" for God to send you someone. I’m not saying prayer isn't important in choosing the right person. IT IS. What I'm saying is, trust in God by focusing purely on your relationship with Him, and trust that He will send someone in the future. Prepare yourself. Grow in the Lord. Consider this, God chose Adam and Eve for each other, and neither one of them "prayed" for a mate. Adam went to sleep, and woke up next to his dream girl. Enjoy your relationship with God, and when you're ready, and your future mate is ready, God will bring you two together.

I hope you found my advice helpful. You sound like a bright young lady, who has God at the center of her life. Never be afraid to ask for counsel.

May God bless you richly.

Jacob R.

Praise the Lord brother Jacob!

I know God uses you a lot, and I thank God for that. I know you are very good into speaking about relationships and everything. I have a question. I was talking to a guy, where I thought things were gonna work out. The problem with that is that he has a little girl. He was raised in church, but left, got married and got divorced.

I saw something every different in him that made me fall for him. We talked when we went out, he told me he was being honest that he is not ready for a relationship, and that he still talks to girls like from his past. That bugs me. We both decided to be friends, but for girls it’s never easy to leave a feeling you had for one. So I had to ask him if he liked the girl. He said he told me he wanted to be honest with me, about something else.

He told he was speaking to someone after he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He mentioned that it was not going to work out anyways. Knowing how I felt about him he didn’t really care. We stayed completely as friends. But when we go out with my friends he gives one friend the attention he never gave me. Now my question is, is it wrong for me to assume something can be going on? And if it is true what am I assuming, what can I do? Not to let them get to me and show him I can be a friend. I don’t know what to do? Can u give me advice please? Thank you.

Thank you for contacting me. This young man you described seems to be confused, or least unstable. Again, based on your description of the situation, it seems that you've invested into this relationship without getting anything in return. That can be disheartening. What is most evident is that this young man doesn't seem to be interested in pursuing a committed relationship with you. His behavior is unstable, and frankly, a little immature.

But this is about you. First, you need to ask yourself if this is worth your time, effort and emotion. It doesn't seem smart to hold on to any hopes that he would fall for you too. Every day you spend thinking, trying, assuming or worrying about this, is a wasted day.

What I'm going to say next is going to be very hard to hear and swallow. I don't believe you should even continue a friendship with him. This relationship is not healthy and can become toxic to other important relationships in your life. This doesn't mean that you hate him now, or that you don't treat him politely. But he should become an acquaintance, not a close friend. It's not healthy for two people with romantic/love interests to try to remain friends because someone always gets hurt. Being a friend to him is not helping you--it's hurting you. So, think about how you can "move on" from this.

You shouldn't be pursuing him. Honestly, this is a role reversal that can lead to trouble down the line. The man has and should be the one to pursue a young lady. This is historically and biblically true. If you become the pursuer in dating, it reverses the roles. A lot of marriages suffer from husbands who lack leadership. Let him (whom ever that may be) pursue you. Trust me, it's worth it. Read the story of Isaac and Rebekah, or Jacob and Rachel and you will know more about this.

I want to add, also, that you really need to think hard about the challenges you would face if marrying a guy with a child. There would be strong pressures placed on you and not to mention the baggage from his past marriage. The mother of the child will "always" be in your life to some degree, for good or bad. Just something to really think about. Even if he were to blame his ex-wife for the divorce, I can almost guarantee he was not an innocent victim. His issues would carry over into the next relationship or marriage, even with the best pre-marital counseling.

Take care and God bless,

Jacob Rodriguez