Smart Love

By Jacob Rodriguez

Now that we’ve uncovered some Mr. Wrongs to avoid, let’s shift the spotlight towards you. Assuming you found whom you believe to be Mr. Right, there are still some timeless lessons you can learn from Rebekah. We have all heard the phrase “love is blind”—which implies that when you’re in love, you tend to overlook the negative aspects of your partner. You minimize imperfections and downplay certain attributes that you normally wouldn’t accept. In some senses, this can be a positive outlook simply because we all have little flaws and physical blemishes.

However, oftentimes “love is blind” goes too far, even overlooking serious character flaws and behavior you would normally oppose. Blind love in many cases is actually “dumb love”, meaning you refuse to acknowledge or accept negative characteristics about that person. Because of one or two positive things about this relationship, you’ll ignore the red flags. 

Love must be smart. As difficult as that may sound, it’s the only way to build a happy, healthy marriage. Only listening to your heart will get you into trouble. When it comes to relationships, you need your mind too. Simply because you “love” him, isn’t enough. Do his plans line up with your plans? Do his values match your values? Do crucial aspects about his behavior bother you? What kind of family does he come from? How do they treat you? Think ten years down the road. What things do you know about him now that will be a major issue later on? These questions may seem unromantic and unexciting, but if you ignore them now, you’ll revisit them later. Only then, it may be too late. 

Blind love has it’s own motto. Here it is: “I can change him”. 

That’s the biggest mistake you can make. It is downright absurd to believe that you can change a man who has been, believed or behaved a certain way his whole life. Who he is…is who he is. It’s all or nothing. Don’t let your heart pull the plug on your good judgment. God gave you a sound mind. And with it, you can become a smart lover, who is ultimately a happy lover. 

Below are some classic tips to loving smart:

1. Wait to be pursued. 

Instead of letting the man pursue you, the tables are turned, and now you are pursuing a certain man. This role reversal isn’t healthy. And while some women may have some success, women who become “desperate” usually settle for less. Rebekah didn’t pursue Isaac. In fact, she didn’t even know him. However, the servant was drawn to her inner radiance and character. Work on your godly radiance, your inner and outer beauty. Take care of yourself. Smile a lot. Get closer to God. Let your light shine from within. God has prepared someone to pursue you. 

Never make the first move. It sends the wrong kind of message. Most secure men are not attracted to such boldness and aggressiveness either. Let him pursue you. And if he doesn’t, you know what that means. 

2. Listen to family

Before Rebekah left with Eliezer, she first met with her family. Her older brother Laban talked with Eliezer about Isaac and learned as much as he could. She didn’t just ride into the sunset without getting her family’s blessing. Her brother told Eliezer, “The thing comes from the LORD; we cannot speak to you either bad or good. Here is Rebekah before you; take her and go, and let her be your master’s son’s wife, as the LORD has spoken.” (Genesis 24:50)

Maybe you’re in a relationship with a man where no one in your family seems to like or connect with him. Don’t let the pulse of romance and idealism fog your clarity about real life. Unless your family is completely senseless and unreasonable, their say, blessing, opinion and advice should matter to you. Oftentimes your family and friends have a different vantage point and may see certain things that you don’t see, are in denial about or believe will change. Their disapproval probably frustrates you, because in your mind, you see something in him that they don’t. 

This is typically the biggest mistake women make. They follow their hearts, instead of their minds. If it were a business or investment decision, you would back away immediately. But your heart is overruling your mind, even though certain warning signs are blatantly obvious. Love and romance have a way of masking issues that you would normally avoid. Change your focus. Look from the outside in. 

3. Make God the priority

The day that Rebekah met Isaac, he was meditating in the fields. This is significant because it reveals what kind of man he was. His relationship with God was no secret. From the beginning, Rebekah had a clear understanding about his faith and convictions. It was no mystery that God was the number one priority in Isaac’s life. This wasn’t an attempt to impress her either, but rather clear proof of his relationship with God. 

Before giving your heart, your life to someone, determine if you are spiritually compatible. Is God a priority in his life? Does he just attend church, or does he have a true relationship with God? What types of convictions does he have? Is he a praying man? Or is his faith a riddle, a mystery you can’t seem to pinpoint? Does he possess a reverence for God and the bible? Answering these questions beforehand will prevent a struggle for spiritual synergy in your home. 

Right now, you may be so wrapped up in his charm, good looks or promises, that you aren’t paying much attention to his spirituality. Simply because he attends your church or is apart of your denomination doesn’t qualify him as a lifelong partner. After the honeymoon you’re going to want a husband with a godly spine, who takes stands and isn’t constantly questioning his beliefs. Don’t let your life be an experiment. His open-mindedness about faith and doctrine may be likable at first, but his constant wavering and lack of certitude will create tension in your marriage—especially when it comes time to teach your children.

4. Stay connected to your friends

As Rebekah headed off to meet her groom-to-be, the bible says that she took her nurse and maids with her (Gen. 24:59, 61). Although she left her old way of life, she didn’t abandon the women who had supported and nurtured her. One of the signs of an unhealthy relationship is when the man pulls you away from your friends. Of course, as the desired woman, it’s difficult to see this happening. Your potential husband should not separate you and your friends, but be able to mix with them. Some women are known for this. As soon as she gets a boyfriend, you don’t hear from her for two months. 

Sound like someone you know? 

My advice to you is, don’t isolate yourself from the very friends who have been there for you, long before prince charming came along. This doesn’t mean that you need to spend every waking moment with them, but don’t become a stranger all of the sudden. If things don’t work out with him, you’ll be looking for those same friends you forgot about. The reunion may not be so smooth. 

If your love interest can’t seem to get along with, connect, or intermingle with your friends now, he won’t later. If your friendships mean a great deal to you, this is something you must consider. 

5. Don’t reveal too much, too soon. 

Another love pitfall comes when women reveal too much, too soon. You will notice that just before Rebekah met Isaac, she covered herself with a veil. This is believed to be the origin of what Jews call bedeken (veiling), where brides would veil themselves during the wedding ceremony. I believe we can gather some modern day application from this practice. Sometimes revealing too much, too soon, isn’t good for the health of the relationship. If you disclosed information about your personal past, family secrets, mistakes, issues and dreams, and you just met last week, things are moving way too fast. Preserve yourself—not only sexually, but emotionally. 

Here’s the main problem with revealing too much, too soon: if things don’t work and you go your separate ways, he still knows all of your business, including the “laundry”. You have no means of tracking whom he tells, directly or indirectly, about your personal life. Why would you want someone you hardly know carrying around personal information about you or your family? 

Take things very slow. Just because he shares everything right up front, don’t feel obligated to do the same. In the beginning of any relationship, veil yourself with conversations that focus on “light” matters, current events, daily happenings and/or church activities. Don’t give him the final chapter until he’s read the introduction and prologue. 

This also helps to prevent the relationship from turning sexual. Especially in cases where you’ve both made lots of bad decisions or have broken pasts. There is a tendency to want to comfort each other, and physical acts such as hugging can easily cross the line into something more sensual. 

The purpose of this advice is not to scold you, but to empower you to make decisions that you won’t regret. Even if you found Mr. Right, it might be the wrong timing. As I said in previous chapter (in a different context), the right thing, at the wrong time, is the wrong thing. If school is a priority right now, finish it. If you have other financial goals or personal desires you want to fulfill, do it now. If he’s the right one, it will happen at the right time.